SpaceBalls Z
by Piccylo
Summary: The Space-Dragon-Balls are bad guys. Really bad. They hold hostage a defenseless little prince to obtain the Dragonballs and use the wishs to get 10,000 years of fresh air! Oh yeah, and to take over the universe.
1. Runaway Bridegroom

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or Spaceballs, nor am I affiliated with anyone involved. However, I would like to have a conversation with Akira Toriyama and Mel Brooks. By the way, much cursing. Much, much cursing. Perhaps every word considered offensive to an American. Well, maybe not in this chapter, but I guarentee that their will be atleast one f-bomb. Ha!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Space Dragon 1" moved ominously across the sky. If one were to be watching it from the outside, they can probably see the bumper-sticker reading "Worry about your own damn family".  
Inside, the soldiers were all in position to greet the general with the traditional salute: showing the back of the hand while extending only the middle finger upwards from a fist. He trotted in with his helmeted head held high, sequencing his arms and shoulders with his stride for dramatic effect.  
Upon reaching the main screen, he took off his helmet. "Damnit!" Dark Cell shouted, "I don't see why I have to wear this stupid latex outfit! Especially this helmet! I already have a natural one!"  
"President Freeza! Salute!" he heard behind him. He twirled around with his (plastic) black cape and greeted his superior. "Hail, Freeza!"  
Freeza waltzed in, wearing a grey suit and a fake mustache. "Dark Cell, have all the plans been reviewed and decided."  
"Yes, President Freeza."  
"How long until we reach Earth?"  
"In about 5 hours, sir."  
"Excellent. Review to me the strategy."  
"We shall steal the prince, sir, when he runs from his wedding, then attempt to make his friends gather the Dragonballs for us so that we can make a wish."  
"Brilliant! But how are you so sure that he will run, Dark Cell?"  
"He hates the person that he's supposed to marry."  
  
Vegita was running from the chapel as he spoke. His bride, who look more broad chested than buxom, and had a deep voice, was running after him.  
"Damnit!" He was screaming, "I knew I shouldn't have let father talk me into an arranged marriage! It figures he'd screw up and try to marry me to a drag queen!"  
"Wait, Vegita! I had no idea what was happening, either!" shouted Zarbon, holding up his skirt to keep from tripping over it, "Dark Cell just ordered me to put this on and..."  
#18 shoved Zarbon out of her way, running to the side of her master. "Prince Vegita! You can't run out like this!"  
"I can and I am!" he said, jumping into a large spherical ship. #18 lept in after him. The door shut in Zarbon's face.  
"Ahh! So cruel..." he wined.  
The ship blasted off immediately. Inside, #18 was reminding her prince of his responsibilities.  
"Even if the princess was really a man," she started, "you really can't just sprint out like that! It's rude for one thing!"  
"Rude?! RUDE?! What the hell, you expect me to be nice when I turn to my wife-to-be and find an ugly queer staring back at me!?"  
"Really, you shouldn't use language like that. Have you no respect?" she complained, picking up a brush to buff her copper-plated dress. "Whether someone is gay or not, it shouldn't be used as an insult!"  
"Whatever," he grunted, twisting the controls. "I'm going to look for a princess myself if need be. Hell, I suppose I can get a wife to shut father up, then a bunch of concubines to play around with."  
#18 sighed. "Very well, sir. If that's the only way you'll comply, I suppose I can support you on it."  
"You 'suppose'!? You have to support me anyway! I'm your master remem- -" he was interrupted by the ship's shaking. He looked up at the screen to see what was happening. A large beam shot out and crossed over the top of their ship.  
"W-what's happening, Prince Vegita?!" she said, holding onto her seat to keep from being shaken off. "Who's attacking us?!"  
He shook his head. "I don't know! Their just firing at us for some reason! Are their still space pirates like in the story books?!"  
"How should I know!? Do you want me to try to hail them?!"  
"Anything! Anything! If it will keep us from getting killed!"  
She flipped switches and turned dials. "No good. They're not answering."  
"Shit! What the hell do they want from us?!"  
No sooner than he said this, a blue beam came from the front of the large battleship and started to slowly draw them in. The closer they got, the easier they could see the name on the vanity plate.  
"'SPDRAG 1'?!"  
  
****** How was that? My first AU fanfiction (at least that I've posted). Sorry for the yaoi bashing, it's just too easy! This is perhaps my most haphazard fanfic ever, too. Heh, oh well. I promise that I'll make the next chapter a little longer *assumes readers want another chapter*. Lol 


	2. Rescue for a Mill

Diclaimers: Ummmmm.... See chapter 1! So far, this is one my most popular fanfics (along with the Shinchinin-tai one)! And the least is the Chichi one. Not too surprising. But still. Wow. Well, where'd I leave off....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ever see a Volkswagon bus with rockets? Well, here's one, just a- ridin' along the other side of the Milky Way. Inside, music is blasting "Hikari no Willpower" (what a song to have on max) and a man with an odd haircut and a tail was eating bananas to it. When he found he was on his last banana, he went into the front and ticked the blue-haired girl's (who was at the controls) nose with his brown tail. She sneezed and looked up at the Saiya-jin.  
"What the hell is it, Goku?!" she screamed, waking up the sleeping triclops in the seat adjacent to her. He looked around, confused.  
"Bulma! I'm bored! And there's no room for me and Tenshinhan to train!" Goku wined.  
She rubbed her eyes. "Look, I'm tired. It took a lot of time and effort to pull enough strings so that we can get out of the situation we were in. We we're close to being bounty-heads to the underground."  
"Well, Bulma, you did borrow money from that loan-shark and never paid back." The triclops mentioned.  
"I needed that money to build my invention, Ten!" she shouted, "I would have used it to pay back the money I owed if Goku didn't break it!"  
"I thought you said it was a training robot!" Goku pouted.  
She pulled his tail (causing him to fall down). "A dog training robot! Dog! Inu! You are not a dog!"  
"Well, it's all behind us now," said Tenshinhan, "Let's just put it behind us and onto the next plan."  
At that moment the control panel began to beep. A flashing light said "Incoming Signal". Goku flipped a switch and the screen came on with the picture of a little, wrinkly, yellow guy.  
"Wrong button, Goku..." she sighed, and greeted the little man, "Babidi! How are you?"  
"Heh, you thought you could skip out without repaying me, did you?" the insect-ish creature spoke.  
"No, no! Not at all!" She was feigning a laugh. "We just found ourselves a little short and decided to go and withdraw some for you. How much do we owe you now?"  
"Well, the initial loan, along with expenses, interest, and fees, it takes it up to... one million zeni."  
"A million?!" they all shouted. "Is that really what it adds up to? I mean, maybe you misplaced a decimal?" Tenshinhan jumped in.  
Babidi chuckled. "My math is flawless. Just bring me my money by the end of the week, or you may have Buu to deal with." Buu appeared behind him and waved with a smile.  
"I get the picture, Babidi! I'll get your money..." Bulma shut off the line, then groaned. "Where the hell could we find that kind of dough?"  
"We can try free lance jobs." Tenshinhan suggested, "I'm sure that one of them has to be worth that much."  
"A million zeni is a lot of zeni," Bulma sighed, "but maybe we can get something."  
Goku scratched his head. The signal blared again, and he hit the same button, making Bulma grab his tail again.  
"Kakarotto!" a worried King Vegita sounded on the screen. "The prince has run away from his wedding! He's cut off all communication soon after he left! You have to find him!"  
Goku was too busy feeling bad about his tail, so Tenshinhan replaced him. "When was he last seen?"  
"A few minutes ago, some lightyears outside of the Solar System. Will you please get him? The rest of the Saiya-jin are indisposed or away at the moment."  
"Just a moment, King-y!" Bulma interrupted.  
Tenshinhan grabbed her arm. "What the hell are you doing?"  
"Relax," she whispered back at him, then turned her attention back to the royal figure. "We and Goku are in a bit of dilemma at the moment over money. He'll do it for a price."  
"All right, all right. Anything. Just name your price and get his sorry ass back here before he gets himself kidnapped!"  
"We'll do it for a million zeni."  
"WHAT?!" The king accidentally smacked one of his guards off of his feet in the surprise. "Isn't that a bit much to save one heir?!"  
"He's your only heir though, isn't he?" she winked. "Don't worry, we're professionals. We can get him out of any trouble he's in."  
He regained his composure and cleared his throat. "Very well. I wish you luck." The screen went black.  
Tenshinhan and Bulma grinned at each other. Goku finally stood up and interrupted them.  
"Hey," he said, "Isn't it kind of odd that the Saiya-jin royal family lives at Earth?"  
They blinked. "Yeah, that is weird..." responded Bulma, "Well, no matter! Let's just save a prince and get out of this hole. Things are starting to look up!"  
  
Little did they know that they would be smacked down again. They quickly located the prince's ship (it was so big and flashy, it's hard to miss), but they found that it was being dragged into a larger and even gaudier ship.  
"Shit! Space-Dragon-Balls," Tenshinhan groaned, "Maybe we should turn back."  
"No way! This is easy money! And we have to get it!" shouted Bulma. She navigated the ship, making it parallel with the prince's. "Setting up junction...OK. Goku, go get them."  
  
Vegita and #18 heard a loud bang near the emergency airlock, making them both jump. Vegita ran to the door. "Who's there?! I've told you guys a thousand times, the Saiya-jin aren't interested in joining you! ...Right now at least."  
"Vegita! We're here to save you!" a voice screamed from the other side.  
"K-Kakarotto?! What the hell, father sent YOU here?!"  
#18 ran behind him. "I hardly think that now is the time to argue about your rescuers, Vegita-Sama!" She pressed a button to open it, and pushed her master through to the Volkswagon bus. 


	3. It's not Raspberry, it's a Radar

Disclaimer: There's one in chapter one! You should go look at it!  
  
But, wait?! Where's the large jar of jam!? Surely they must have seen them on the radar! Let's see!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When the royal spacecraft was finally drug into the ship by the tractor beam, Dark Cell went to look immediately. He already had hundreds of guards posted all around the thing, but he had more by his side just in case.  
"Prince Vegita!" he shouted to the hulk of metal. "You might as well come out. We promise that we wont hurt you!" But soon he got impatient and tore the door off and walked in. After several minutes of him clamoring about inside, shouting for them and tearing up things to find any hidden places, he came out in a frenzy. "They're gone! What the hell, the radar guy didn't pick up any escape vessels or of the like did he?"  
Everybody looked at each other and shrugged. He groaned and ran back to the control room.  
"Who is in charge of the radar?!" he was screaming when he entered through the door.  
"What? What's happening?" said President Freeza.  
Dark Cell went to the radar screen and yelled at the green man in front of it. "Name and rank!"  
The Namekku-sei-jin looked back at him coldly. "Piccolo. Last time I was informed, I was a Sargent."  
"Why didn't you salute?"  
"What?"  
Cell was on the verge of completely snapping. "You didn't salute to me when I questioned you! Why?!"  
"I can't."  
"What the hell do you mean 'can't'? Is your hand to weak to push up a finger or something?!"  
Sgt. Piccolo held up his hand. "I have four fingers on each hand. One - Two - Three - Four. It's an even number. I would need an odd number of fingers in order to have a middle finger, which is necessary to perform it."  
Cell blinked. "O...K... Anyway, did anything show up on the radar when we were putting the ship in?"  
"No."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."  
"Did you even look at the radar?"  
"No."  
"...What?! Why not?!"  
"Because it's broken. I reported it weeks ago but no one will come up here and fix it."  
"What's wrong with it?"  
"Well past the external damage that was done during the last office party, it needs a new component."  
"What component does it need? Maybe we have a spare."  
"The guy that did the beeps, creeps, and sweeps noise is dead," he said, pointing to Michael Winslow's corpse hunched over a chair. "I told you people that humans need food."  
  
Vegita only griped as soon as he got on the ship. From behind the cockpit curtain, a woman finally screamed at him. "I heard the prince of the Saiya-jin was a short winey brat!"  
"What did you say?!" he screamed back at her.  
Tenshinhan tried to calm Bulma down. "Maybe it's not so good to be yelling at him like that..."  
"The hell it isn't! We've come and rescued him from those Space- Dragon-Ball bastards, and all that he's done is complain on how he left his watch there!"  
"It's not a watch, tramp! It's a remote control! It opens every electric door in the castle and overrides all of the digital security!" the prince continued, "But its not like a back-water pilot like you would know about anything that advanced."  
"What!? I'll have you know that I'm the greatest genius and inventor in the galaxy, thank you very much!"  
"If that's so, why don't you build a bigger ship?"  
"Like you need one, small fry."  
"I AM NOT SMALL!"  
"Chibi, chibi, chibi!"  
Vegita was about to rush in and kill her, but Goku and #18 blocked his way.  
"Vegita-Sama! If you kill the people that your father made a contract with, he'll be very angry with you!" the android reminded him.  
He growled and sat back down. "She had better not call me short again."  
Tenshinhan noticed another button blinking. "Bulma!"  
"Not now!" she pushed him away, intending on going to beat up the prince.  
"Bulma! It seems that in the excitement of leaving the planet we were on, we neglected to steal a ship with a full tank!"  
"W-what?!" she looked back at the console. "Fuck! Does this shit ever stop coming?!"  
  
**************** Heh, I snuck in Piccolo. Couldn't help it. (btw, in the manga, nameks have 4 fingers) Well, this one's a little short, but hopefully it's something you guys can deal with! Off I go, then. Heh. 


	4. I Really Hate Déjà Vu

Disclaimer: It's in chapter one. Want to read it?  
  
The story line is getting kind of too closely patterned to the movie. I need to inject more creativity! *gets needles and syringes*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bulma couldn't be bothered with the bickering coming from behind the curtain separating the cockpit and the rest of the ship. She had to map out exactly the gravity pulls and inertia with planets so that they could land safely and soon. There wasn't much in the way of food or water, and it could be days before someone could discover them, since they couldn't send out for help while the Space-Dragon-Balls may be lurking about. She found a place and typed out the course quickly, then took the wheel to guide as much as was needed manually.  
When they began entering the atmosphere of an obscure planet, the bulkheads on the ship rattled.  
"What the hell are you doing with the ship, woman?!" Vegita screamed from the back, "It sounds like it's coming apart!"  
Tenshinhan noticed a screw coming loose on the ceiling. He panicked and covered it with his palm. "Damnit! It really is coming apart!"  
#18 was being thrown about in the back, but Goku was able to grab her and hold her down with him in a seat. "Wow, this is really bumpy!" he yelled, almost in glee.  
  
"I knew it!" Dark Cell's screaming was a common thing today. "This was done my one of the Briefs family! Stupid underwear people!"  
"What are you talking about, Lord Cell?" President Freeza was confused entirely. "How do you know who did it so specifically?"  
"This!" Cell pressed a button, and a replay of a surveillance camera showed a Volkswagon bus going by with a blue-haired girl at the wheel, purposefully making faces at whoever would be watching it. "That is Bulma Breifs, the youngest and perhaps the most dangerous of the clan."  
Freeza stared for a moment, then looked at his follower. "So, now what?"  
"I don't know..." Cell stood with his arms crossed for a moment. A cyborg man came up to him and saluted.  
"Lord Cell! I've got information as to where the Briefs girl is!"  
"Really?! Where is it?!"  
The man brought him to a computer. "I found it on a site called FanFiction.net. Apparently, the writer is some sort of prophet; she predicted everything that's happened and will happen!"  
Freeza jumped up and down in amusement. "Cool! Are we going to win?"  
"She didn't get that far..." said the cyborg.  
"It doesn't matter!" Cell shouted, "Now..." he read the nametag on the cyborg, "General TaoPaiPai... where are they?"  
"Just a moment," he turned to the computer and read off of it.  
"'Bulma rushed to the door and looked outside. Goku was right, it was nothing but sand and sun. The color of the sand and sky revealed to her that they were on the desolate, low-population, and obscure planet by the name Dun, which she only knew because it was on Jeopardy last night."  
"All right!" he turned to his navigators. "Set a course to planet Dun! I've got a plan. We can kill two birds with one stone!"  
"Birds?" Freeza asked, "We're talking about Dragonballs and you want to kill birds?"  
"Don't you see, President Freeza? Bulma Briefs made the dragon radar! We can hold the prince for ransom to get Saiya-jin soldiers, and enslave her and her friends to get the Dragonballs for us!"  
"Brilliant! Positively and absolutely brilliant!"  
  
The Volkswagon bus crash-landed in a sand dune. Finally, Vegita had enough of the captain's incompetence, and Bulma had enough of the prince's mouth. They went to face each other off, not able to be held back by the other three bystanders.  
"I'll show that damn wench not to justle me around in this piece of junk!"  
"Just because he's 'royal blood', he thinks he can boss me around, eh?!"  
When they saw each other, they paused. After an awkward silence, Bulma broke out.  
"I knew it! You're a midget!"  
"Why you...!" Vegita's arms were seized by Goku and #18.  
"Vegita-Sama!" the maid tried to reason with him, "We have more pressing matters! We don't have time to fight amongst ourselves right now!"  
Tenshinhan nodded in agreement. "She's right, sir! Any minute, they're going to figure out what happened, and they'll track us down using every resource they have! And, to be quite honest, I don't want to die for your sake."  
Goku opened the door and looked out. "Wow! It's all sand! And it's really sunny too!"  
Bulma rushed to the door and looked outside. Goku was right, it was nothing but sand and sun. The color of the sand and sky revealed to her that they were on the desolate, low-population, and obscure planet by the name Dun, which she only knew because it was on Jeopardy last night. (Where'd this Déjà vu come from?)  
"Well," she said, "We can't call for help unless we want to get killed, so we better start walking." 


	5. Plastic Trunks, wait that's not right

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.  
  
No author's notes. Aren't you happy?!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They reached the planet Dun in a matter of hours, but upon landing, they found that their ship was abandoned and any footprints from it had been whisked away by the wind.  
"General TaoPaiPai!" Dark Cell yelled.  
"Y-yes sir?"  
"Why didn't you tell us where they would run off to?"  
"That chapter didn't come out before we went down here yet, sir. Do you want me to send someone to the computer to look?"  
"No... no... I doubt any fanfiction would have the exact position in longitude and latitude, but have President Freeza informed about our current stand point."  
  
"Can't find them?!" Freeza said, "Who care's if the planet is all sand?! Tell them that I said to comb the desert! Comb the desert!"  
  
Upon obtaining this message, Dark Cell and General TaoPaiPai only stared at each other.  
"He knows that we don't have enough plastic on the whole ship to make combs large enough for that mission," Dark Cell said.  
TaoPaiPai thought for a moment. "Perhaps we can just drive around the desert really fast in a jeep and said we combed it."  
"Fine by me!" They jumped into a jeep, and ordered the lower officer to go. After a few minutes of preparation, it zipped off and Cell fell out of the vehicle.  
  
They've been walking for a long time, finally night fell, and the sun wasn't biting at their faces. It was beginning to get cold, so Tenshinhan built a fire before he went to sleep.  
Bulma decided to roast some hotdogs over the blaze and offered one to Vegita.  
"Damned if I'll take your charity," he grumbled, remembering the fight they had while walking about her power generator and his training devices, which ended in her generators favor and he had to leave his gravity machines behind.  
"Take it. I can hear your stomach grumbling from here." She thrusted the smoking frank in his hands.  
He started taking bites off of it after he decided he could eat it. He looked over at Bulma. "Why are you doing this, anyway? I mean, you shouldn't care if I've been imprisoned or not. It wouldn't even hinder Kakarotto much if I was gone."  
"Well," She crossed her arms to keep from getting cold. "We got in a lot of trouble at Atlas 7 with some of the crime bosses there, and we made a deal with your father to get that payed off."  
"Is that all?" he said.  
She nodded, then looked at him. "Why'd you run from your wedding?"  
"Father must have mixed something up..." he grumbled, not wanting to remember the horrid event, "He's been so gung-ho about me getting married, he keeps trying to arrange weddings with different princesses."  
"Arranged marriages? You mean you can't marry whomever you want?!"  
"No. I have to marry royalty, he says. I suppose I could abide by his will, though. If it will get him off my back, I can just marry some offhand blue-blood and gather myself some concubines."  
"I guess you could do that. If that's your only option. I mean, if I was in the same situation as that, I think I would do the something similar."  
He laughed. "You're kidding! I imagined that you'd yell at me for saying such a thing."  
"No way. Despite what people think, concubines were important in families. Often, the wife got the concubines for the husband, whether it was their relationship or for purposes of childbearing."  
"So maybe you are smarter then you look." He unconsciously moved closer to her. He caught a glimpse of an unusual pendant, which looked like a computer chip, on a leather string around her neck. "What is that?"  
She looked down and took it in her hand, holding it in front of her face. "Something that everyone in my family has. One day, a few years ago, this cute, pale-haired teenaged boy came to my family's house in an unusual looking ship and gave us all one of these, saying that we'll need it someday."  
"What was his name?" he asked.  
She moved the pendant around, allowing the light from the fire to reflect off of it. "He didn't say. However, when I asked about when I may need this, he said, 'After you meet Father,' then he blushed and hit himself in the face, then asked me to forget what he just said."  
Vegita blinked. "That's odd. Have any idea what he meant by that?"  
She shook her head. "I have no clue." She shivered and found herself pulled against the prince. She looked at him.  
"I..." He turned his head to hide his face. "I thought you might be too cold."  
Bulma smiled and she lay her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her and after a few moments brought his face closer to hers, intending to kiss her.  
#18 woke up with red eyes and started screaming at him, "VEGITA-SAMA! DON'T YOU DARE!" She pulled him off of Bulma, as the now awake Tenshinhan and Goku looked around at their surroundings with startled and confused faces. "YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE! Jesus, it's hard trying to make sure you stay a virgin! You can have her as a concubine after you're married, but not before!"  
This pushed Bulma out of her daze. "C-concubine...?!" She turned to Vegita and started screaming as well. "Y-you bastard! You intended to take me as a concubine!? Just because I can sympathize with you doesn't mean I'll abide to that!"  
"N-no!" he backed away, intimidated by the sudden raining of screams towards him, "I-I was just... umm..."  
"If you touch her, I'll kick you and break your arm again!" #18 threatened. Vegita had already crawled 20 meters away from the rest of the group by the time she said this.  
"Look..." Tenshinhan interrupted with a groggy voice, "Let's just all get some sleep. We have to wake up before dawn, and we've got a lot of walking to do."  
"That early?!" Goku wined, "Whenever we get to wherever we're going, there better be a lot of food!" Then he saw the left-over hotdogs around the fire and immediately snatched up all of them to eat.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I would have done the dissolve joke, but I think that I'm the only one that understands that... plus it seems rather impossible to do with text. Ahh, what the hell...  
  
*fade to sun* Nice description. 


	6. Turtles Like Water Too!

Disclaimer: In Capite Uno specta. Look in Chapter One. Liguam Latinam stude.  
(No idea if thats right or not, LOL Latin dictionaries aren't always reliable)  
  
Ummm.... read my other fanfics! I have one for a hostage! ^_^  
Yeah... that's all I have to say.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It seems like they've been walking for days over this unending sand. Sand, sand, sand. They ran out of water and food. Even the battery in Bulma's electronic fan was dead. The sun was wearing them all down. How much longer could they stand it?  
As things stood now, Tenshinhan was doing most of the pulling; Goku was already close to crawling from the hunger, and Vegita was on his last wind for the same reason; #18's could no longer move as her joints were clogged with clumped up sand in the oil, plus her copper dress was tarnishing badly (now she's really depressed). Bulma had passed out several hours ago after she screamed about wanting a bath and a strawberry ice cream cake.  
"How long--" pant pant "--does day--" pant pant "last on this planet?" Goku tried to yell out to his friends.  
"How in the seven lives of George Burns should I know that?" replied Tenshinhan, "Isn't that a Bulma question?"  
"I thought you were Bulma."  
"I'm going to ignore that and assume that it was the heat getting to you."  
Vegita wiped the sweat from his brow. "This is ridiculous! We don't even have a fucking clue where we're going!"  
"I could eat 10 horses right about now..." Goku said, drooling over another mirage.  
It wasn't 15 minutes before the last of them collapsed. Seeing the fall, a single midget in a robe ran up to the fallen group. He looked around for a way to help them, and decided to use his belt to harness them together like a raft, then he drug them to a small, pink building (about 55º N, 120º E, HA!) with the words "KAME HOUSE" written across it in red. He left them in the front room (which, remarkably, looked like a Japanese television room), pulled down his hood, and ran into the kitchen for some water.  
As soon as he went through the door, a waft of a delicious aroma revitalized Goku immediately. "FOOD!" He ran in, frightening the poor, noseless monk and a purple-haired girl over the stove half to death.  
"Y-you're all right?!" said the bald midget, the dots on his head pushed back by his surprised brows. "How about your friends?"  
"Huh?" Goku looked back out to the group. "Their still down..."  
"I'll take care of them." He took out a bucket of water with a mug, proceeding to pour some in the mouths of the immobile party. Goku grabbed a cup and did the same. They managed to bring everyone back to consciousness.  
"Why isn't this one drinking?" said the monk, when trying to revive #18.  
Bulma shook her head. "She's a cyborg. She needs cleaned and re- oiled."  
"Oh..."  
"What is your name?"  
"Kuririn. I'm the disciple of the owner of this place." He stood up, carrying #18. "I'll ask him to come down, then get to work on this woman. Please, make yourselves at home." He ran up the stairs with a huge blush across his face.  
Bulma tried to talk to her comrades about their next move, but Goku and Vegita were too busy tearing into their meals to reply, and Tenshinhan seemed strangely distracted by the cook. She thought about going upstairs to check on #18, but before she could rise, she heard someone come down.  
The creature stood about 7 foot tall, and had a small, brown head with a mouth that looked more like a beak than human lips. It's shoulders were oddly rounded off, and its whole body was covered with a white, draping sheet.  
"Why do you come here?" It spoke without moving its orifice, "What do you want from the great Kame-sennin Muten Roshi?!"  
"Kame-Sennin?!" The group gasped.  
Goku scratched his head dumbly. "We're having turtle soup?"  
"So," the creature nodded, "my legacy still reaches the youth?"  
"Of course! Everyone knows Kame-Sennin, expert of martial arts!" Bulma squealed.  
"Creator of the Kamehameha!" Tenshinhan said with delight.  
"Master of the Voyeur Technique." Vegita sniggered.  
Goku became wide-eyed. "Sugoi! You're the guy grandpa kept telling me to learn under?!" As Goku exclaimed this, his excited tail swished several times under the cooking woman's nose.  
"Aahh-ahh---!"  
"Ack! Lunch is going to sneeze!" screamed the turtle hermit, who suddenly revealed his true self, an elder man with sunglasses, from under the tablecloth to hide as quickly as possible. The leftover, dumbfounded turtle found himself alone and hid within his own shell.  
"--Choo!" Her purple hair changed to blonde, and when she opened her eyes, one could see that instead of the deep black, they were now a bright green. She was about to pull out an uzi and shoot everything around her when Tenshinhan grabbed her arm.  
"Kushami! It really is you! I thought were gone from me forever when you went after that huge Space Sapphire on Oedipus 3!"  
She looked at him, dropped the artillery, then pounced on top of him. "Ten! My sexy, three-eyed, bare-chested Ten! You aren't still mad at me about the whole killing your emperor thing? 'Cause you know, I really wasn't aware that you guys were THAT close once."  
Everyone else just sort of stared. The scene was finally stopped by Bulma when Kushami got to the point of removing his belt.  
Vegita became restless and decided to check on #18. He went up to the only room with the door closed and knocked several times. "Monk! Surely you finished cleaning up my maid by now!"  
"Umm... no. Not yet," said a voice from the other side, "She's still-- "  
Vegita opened the door anyway. He found #18 and Kuririn, hiding their bodies from sight with a bedsheet. "Jesus Christ!" he bellowed, "Is it some sort of human mating season today?!"  
  
Dark Cell sat in the jeep, playing poker with the other officers as he waited for someone to come with more feul. Suddenly he got up and started screaming:  
"Damnit! Why is this spandex suit so blasted uncomfortable?! It's making my thighs chafe!" 


	7. Size doesn't matter that much

Disclaimer: It's in chapter one. Chapter ONE. Not chapter 7, or chapter 3, or chapter n^4! Chapter 1.  
  
To the confused lot, "Kushami" (Japanese for sneeze) was the name given to "Psycho Blonde Lunch" in the manga and in the Japanese version (well, I only saw it in the manga, I never saw Japanese DB, only DBZ and GT). This is still running as the favorite fanfic of mine with... 7 reviews. Man, and people complain about having only 10? *sigh*. Well, maybe my InuYasha one that I'm working on will overpass it.  
  
SpaceBall Z Fanfic: *gulp* "My Strength is Your Wish" already has 4 and it's barely a day old?!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So--" began Kame-Sennin, walking down the walk in front of his house, "You're the man-key that Gohan was always telling me about? Goku, was it?"  
Goku nodded with his usual goofy smile. "Yup."  
"How is your Grandpa doin' now-a-days?"  
His happy expression faded, and he bowed his head. "He's dead now."  
"Oh! I'm sorry to hear that... Never thought he would go before me." He turned to the sands. "Well, do you feel that you still need training in Martial Arts?"  
"I always want to get better."  
Roshi nodded. "Very well. But I can tell that in basic martial arts training, I have nothing to teach you. However, there is a technique that could come as a use to you."  
He tilted his head. "Is it that Vow-yar technique that Vegita was talking about?"  
"No, no, no! That technique has no use for a pure-hearted guy like you."  
"Then what is it?"  
"It's----THE SHLONG!"  
"The Shlong?"  
"Yes! It's like ShenLong, except shorter. Here. I'll show you." Kame- Sennin revealed a crimson staff, then he pointed it towards the sky, making it dark with clouds.  
"Ahh! Sugoi!" Goku exclaimed.  
Then Roshi pointed it towards a large rock by his house, it lifted up high, then fell down again like a feather. "This is called Nyoi-bo," he said, referring to the stick. He passed it to Goku. "Here, you try."  
Goku pointed Nyoi-bo at the rock, then started concentrating. "Ki-ki- ki-ki-ki---!"  
Bulma came out and looked at Goku's straining for a bit, then walked over to Muten Roshi. "Hey, while he's making an idiot of himself, could you answer something for me?"  
He turned to her. "Sure. What is it, child?"  
She took off the pendant from around her neck, then showed it to him. "Do you have any idea what this is? I've shown it to every wise man that I've met since it was given to me, and they couldn't tell me what it was."  
He analyzed it closely, his sunglasses flashing (why do they do that?). "Hmmm... yes I see..."  
"Do you know what it is?!"  
He nodded.  
She squealed with delight. "Tell me!"  
"I shall... after you do something for me."  
"Huh? What?"  
He turned to her, then grinned widely. "How 'bout you let me see your underwear?"  
SLAP!  
His glasses were broken now, showing his right eye, tearing with pain. "OK, never mind! I'll just tell you." He threw away the ruined pair of shades and pulled out another, placing them over his eyes. "Yes, well... this chip here is from the future."  
"The future?"  
"Yes. It's function is to keep the timeline from fraying."  
"Wow..."  
"Who gave this to you?"  
"A lavender-haired, teenaged boy," she said, "He gave each member of my family one. He wouldn't tell us his name."  
The old hermit nodded again. "I see. He must not have been born yet, and he didn't want to endanger it."  
"Really? That's creepy."  
Goku screamed out in joy. "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" The large rock was now floating several feet above the ground. But suddenly, the princes screaming at his maid disturbed his concentration, and the rock fell down with a great crash. A weird shriek came from under it.  
Bulma screamed. "Something's under there!"  
Roshi grabbed the staff and started chanting. The rock lifted again, and a very wounded tourtoise crawled out from under it.  
"Woops," Goku said, "Sorry!" he ran to help the turtle.  
  
President Freeza was back in his own office, looking at some yaoi doujinshi whilst sniffing from a can of air, when the wall screen blinked on. "President Freeza!"  
"Ah!!" He hid the items quickly. "Yes! Yes, what is it, Lieutenant Doubler?"  
The devil-faced man on the wall saluted. "Lord Cell has made a positive identification on the prince's whereabouts. Do you wish to see the report?"  
"Yes. I'll come right down."  
"Do you want me to have Jeice beam you down, sir?"  
Freeza tilted his head. "I'm not sure. Is that thing safe?"  
"Of course sir. Jeice beamed me down twice last night." There was some chuckling in the background.  
"Very well." He walked over to the small, circular platform, and a vail of energy appeared around him.  
He found himself in the control room. However he felt very odd. It was like he was standing on his hands but everything was right-side-up.  
"Jesus! What's wrong with his head?!" A random officer exclaimed.  
Doubler looked at him strangely. "It's on the wrong end!"  
"What?! This isn't supposed to happen to me! It happens to Kid Buu!"  
Jeice turned from his control panel, spouting in his faux-Australian accent. "Don't worry, sir. I'll fix you up."  
Freeza tried to look around, but found that his movements were restricted heavily by an appendage. He stared at it. "Why didn't anybody tell me my tail was so big?!"  
There was an awkward silence. I wouldn't answer that question, either.  
Again, the president was surrounded by the curtain, and he was once again in his office, this time his head on the right end.  
"I'm sorry, sir," said Doubler on the screen, "I'll have Jeice try again."  
"Forget it! No more beaming! I'm walking from now on! At least until they finish building my floating throne."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Doubler" is Dadobura, or Dabora. Depends on what version you're used to. 


	8. Hungry People

Disclaimer: Well, I could say it's in chapter one but... DAMN!  
  
I have been neglecting this story a bit the past few days. Hmmm.  
  
SpaceballZ Fic: Damn it! The alcohol thing wasn't gettin' any reviews and now its ahead of me?!! *pouts*  
  
Piccylo: Shut up you stupid piece of text.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dark Cell and TaoPaiPai have finally found something: a small house in the middle of nowhere. The general walks up to it, trying to distinguish what the red letters are spelling. "Look, sir! It's says 'Kame House'!"  
Cell thought for a second, then started stamping at the ground. "Turtle! Turtle! I hate turtles! They always eat up my cabbage!"  
"So... that's what happened to Nappa?"  
"What?"  
"Nothing, sir."  
  
Vegita was snoring heavily in his room. He had exhausted himself arguing with #18 on who should sleep where: he wanted to sleep "alone", but #18 wouldn't believe him and kept trying to get him to room with Goku. Then he argued that if he had to sleep with Kakarotto, she shouldn't be allowed to sleep with that midget of a monk. It ended that he would have to share his room with the mechanical maid.  
A voice came to his ears. "Vegita," it said, "Vegita, my son. Damnit Vegita! Get over here before I ground your sorry ass!"  
He woke up with a startled expression. "Father? What the hell?" He looked out the window, and sure enough, there was his father: a full head taller than him with a beard and sporting his crimson cape. "Father? What are you doing here?"  
"Just get down here! It took me long enough to find you!"  
"All right, all right. Hold on a second..." He felt around for a shirt and jumped out the window. At this time, #18 was alarmed by the rustling around and came out of sleep mode. "Vegita-sama?"  
"You sure take your damned time, Son."  
#18 looked out the window and saw the true form of her "king". "Vegita! You idiot! That's not your dad!"  
He blinked to this, then instead of the King of Saiya-jin he saw Dark Cell. Before he could cuss him out for waking him up, Vegita found himself knocked unconscious by a phaser gun.  
"Shit!" #18 jumped out to help her prince, but was also shocked and seized by TaoPaiPai.  
  
Hearing the commotion, everybody went out to see what has happened, only to witness the Space-Dragon-Ball ship zoom off.  
"We're too late! They took Vegita!" yelled Goku.  
"And #18," Kuririn pouted.  
Bulma looked up to the streak. "Don't worry, you guys. We'll get them back."  
"But how?" Tenshinhan exclaimed with Kushami hugging his side, "Our ship is out of gas and some of the bulkheads are busted. We can't go through the atmosphere with that!"  
Roshi's shades glimmered (how'd they do that at night? why is he wearing those anyway?!). "Leave that to me."  
  
Kame-sennin had transported the Volkswagon bus to them with his shlong powers and Bulma immediately began fixing it with the equipment he had in the house. As she did so, Kuririn re-fueled the tank and Ten and Kushami were... goofing off. Anyway, the ship was fixed, and everybody (Kuririn and Kushami decided that they would come as well) was bidding the hermit their goodbyes and supplying their thanks.  
"No problem," he waved back, "Oh, and Goku."  
"Yes?" Goku found something was tossed to him. It was the red rod Nyoi-bo. "Aww... I can't accept this..."  
"Take it! You might need it! Oh yes, and something for you, Bulma," he tosses her a small bentoubako. "In case you get hungry."  
  
"OK, we've got the prince!" Dark Cell came up to his president.  
Freeza laughed in his fortune. "Good work! Call the King immediately!"  
"Yes, sir." TaoPaiPai went to the console.  
Doubler yelled from the back, "Hey! What does everyone want for dinner!"  
Cell jumped up with his hand in the air. "Oh oh! I want Gohan!"  
  
~~~~~~ A short chapter. BTW, a "bentoubako" is a lunch box, a "bentou" is a box lunch. Man, the differences between Japanese and English really suck. 


	9. Those Prison Stories are True!

Disclaimer: Check chapter one. I'm pretty sure it's there.  
  
I haven't worked on this for a while, have I? I put up 2 chapters in a row for the Piccolo one though. Well, it IS my pride and joy on this thing. But even if it has more reviews, this is still my most popular fanfic. Off we go then!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The intercom had been ringing for the past 5 minutes. President Freeza had already walked off with his left and right hand men, instructing that he should be contacted as soon as the Saiya-jin monarch was contacted. "Damnit!" Dark Cell screamed, "How long does it take that king to turn on a screen?!"  
The shout roused Vegita from his unconscious state. He moaned and tried to distinguish his surroundings, squinting from the bright light that was suspended over him. He realised that he was restrained upon an operation table with some thick straps as he tried to move. Attempting to move his head as much as possible, Vegita tried to find someone. He thought of calling for #18, but before he could, the table was tilted up, putting his body in a vertical position.  
A doctor in scrubs with coke-bottle glasses balancing on his nose stepped out from behind him. "He's awake now, sir. Do you want me to bring the robot maid in as well?"  
"That wont be necessary," Cell waved away the idea, "After all, it may be a while before King Vegita answers."  
As if on cue, an angered, bearded face appeared on the wall. "Cell! What the Hell do you want?!" He then noticed his tied-up son at the side. "Shit, boy! You can't take care of yourself even with help! Are you trying to get our race enslaved again?!"  
"Hey! This is all your fault!" The prince bellowed from his bonds, "If you hadn't have messed up and tried to marry me to a transvestite, I'd be training in the sparring chambers at the castle right now!"  
"Don't try to shift the blame on me for that! The princess I arranged you with really was a girl, but someone hijacked their shuttle during the last leg of their journey to Earth and stranded the crew and the woman on some planet."  
"That's right!" Lord Cell jumped in again, "I planned for that to happen, knowing that seeing Zarbon under that veil would cause him to run away, separating him from any help he could have." He smirked to himself, inwardly patting himself on the back for his great plan working so well.  
The king growled. "Well, now that you have my heir, you want our people in your ranks again?"  
"Damnit, Old Man! You're going to let them get away with this?!" The prince screamed once again, "Why don't you just attack them and be done with it!?" Then he heard a whirring from his side. The doctor had a large drilling instrument in his hand, sporting it off with a huge grin on his face. His nurse  
"If you do not comply," started General TaoPaiPai, "I will have to go ahead and order Dr. Gero to start the surgery."  
"Do your worst!" Prince Vegita hissed.  
His father nodded. "Do you honestly believe that I'd hand you my men over one heir!?"  
Dark Cell grinned evilly. "We do, if that heir was about to be castrated."  
"WOAH!" Both Vegitas screamed.  
"I have no interest in becoming a eunuch!" protested the younger one, "I'm supposed to be running a harem, not guarding one!"  
"Don't you dare touch him! My grandkids are in there!"  
"Jesus, Father, you really know how to weird me out sometimes." He said just before the nurse knocked him out with a tranquilizer shot.  
"You know what to do, unless you want your lineage to die under a scalpel." Cell laughed heartily. "But don't rush! You have plenty of time to deliver troops."  
He motioned to TaoPaiPai to turn off the picture of the raging Saiya- jin just as Freeza returned.  
  
*buzz*  
  
......  
  
"What just happened?" Cell asked as soon as the browser came on again, not paying attention to Gero and the nurse making out in the back.... What an image.  
TaoPaiPai blinked. "I think I accidentally turned off the computer, sir. Don't worry, everything's fine now."  
"Was that King Vegita?" Freeza asked, straightening his jacket.  
"Yes, sir. We'll get the Saiya-jin soldiers soon. Meanwhile, we wait for the little Brief gang to try to break in after our bounty here."  
  
Bulma was a genius, after all. She tracked down the unique signal #18 made rather quickly to a Prison Planet 3ACedar-Chip, a moon of Jupiter III. They landed on the strip before the main building, immediately gathering the attention of the three guards in the front.  
"Hey! Only authorized personnel are allowed clearance to park--" The shortest guard stopped mid-sentence when he saw two women, one blue-haired, the other blonde, beckoning for them to come into the bus. Well, it's no secret that there hasn't been a female soldier in Freeza's armies for a long time, so these men didn't hesitate to follow them. As soon as they entered, everyone attacked them together, beating the shit out of them and taking their clothes. Goku, Tenshinhan, and Kuririn appeared from the vehicle, now in the shiny Space-Dragon-Ball uniforms (Goku had to make a hole in his to allow for his tail), along with Bulma and Kushami, wearing handcuffs to feign as prisoners.  
As soon as the other soldiers saw these captives, there was whistling all through the halls. Tenshinhan guarded his Kushami with an ireful glare, and Bulma kept herself sandwiched between Kuririn and Goku. They managed to keep the mob off of them as they looked for Vegita and #18, when they became aware of the sound of someone with a familiar voice rapping behind one of the heavy doors. Not rapping as in knocking on wood, but rapping as in Dr. Dre.  
They stared at each other with raised brows. "It couldn't be..." Kushami muttered.  
Tenshinhan opened the slot to the door it was coming from, peering in to see Prince Vegita, nodding his head in a beat as he spouted out some rhymes, as #18 was buffing her dress. "Wow, and here I thought he was whiter than bread."  
The door opened, startling Vegita and his maid. "What do you want?!" he growled. Then he found himself tackled down by a familiar pair of arms.  
"Vegita! I'm so glad that we found you!" Bulma screamed in glee. "We're here to rescue you!"  
He blushed, speechless for a moment, then tried to yell at them to hide it. "You guys took long enough! I almost got neutered by one of those creepy, old doctors they keep around!"  
"Stop complaining," #18 sighed, Kuririn now hugging her around her waist. "Now that someone's here to help us, let's just get out of here."  
The whole group tried to go through the corridors as inconspicuously as possible, but Goku suddenly let out a yelp and fell over in pain. They looked back to find that one of the de-clothed soldiers had grabbed him by the tail.  
The three men in only their underwear easily gained a crowd as they yelled out, "Here they are! These are the guy's that jumped us!"  
Bulma groaned and rolled her eyes. "Damnit, now we have to get into an action scene, don't we?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I.... have nothing to do with Dr. Dre (to tell you the truth, I don't really like rap). The idea of Vegita--*snort*-- rapping came from reading some of the stories by The Dbz Dealer. I recommend trying some of them out if this story isn't screwy enough for you. 


End file.
